Santa Claus sent an elf round to my door
disguised, it seemed, as a religious boor:
he had two fairies with him for support,
pretending to be children, so I thought.
The elf beamed, waved a pamphlet in my face,
and said, "I'm here to save human race".
my wife whispered from behind the door,
"It's the Mormons, they've been round here before".
"No, no, leave this to me," I said with glee,
"I just want to hear what he has to say,"
(always ready for a bit of cruel sport)
"I'll send him packing soon, I know his sort."
"Santa has a message of glad tidings,"
holding up a book with Christmas bindings,
the elf said confidently, with a smile,
"I hope to read it to you in a while."
"Right, and Yggdrasil was the Christmas tree,
decked out in pretty Northern Lights, you see,"
I said sarcastically, hoping for
a short cut to his tales of Christmas lore.
"Oh no," the elf replied, "Richard Dawkins
is quite wrong. Santa really does drive in
a sleigh, the North lights are the landing strip
for his hyper-dimensional reindeer-ship."
"I thought Kris Kringle was of German mien,
but your message is from an alien?"
"Yes, there has been a change of policy,
about who is bad and who acts nicely".
"This criterion no longer applies
now human hearts are filled with hate and lies,
besides, the North Pole has begun to sink
and we have lost our summer skating rink."
"Global warming I suppose" I replied.
"exactly, loss of faith in Christmastide
has undermined the etheric stasis
of the underworld that's Santa's basis."
"We're surely doomed, unless you take my hand
and chant: 'We want Santa'. You understand.
Carbon dioxide is not the problem here,
it's simply a shortage of Christmas cheer."
The youngest girl fairy began to cry,
"Please help," she said "if you would only try
and be nice, for once, and listen to our plea,
we could go home and have our Christmas tea."
"What exactly am I supposed to do,
save Santa and stop global warming too?"
"Never mind," the elf said crossly, "we can't stay,
I can see you don't mean to help, anyway."
With this remark he gathered up his things,
and flew off down the drive on stumpy wings,
My wife said, "You were rude again today,
I hope there's no damage from that hyper-sleigh."